Yes, and!

One of life's secrets to success, or at least a contributing factor to a more positive environment. "Yes, and!" is the first rule of improv. I learned this when I was taking improv classes at UCB in Los Angeles. It is a phenomenal tool and requires listening and being present. In other words, getting out of your head and into a positive, playful state. A constructive state. Where you build off the other person, play along, and collaborate. "But" is and nasty, destructive word. It negates the person you are interacting with. It's not fun. It doesn't help anyone or the situation. It should solely be reserved for situations of risk assement. It can really destroy relationships.  

I just spent a handful of weeks at an old friend's. We were never that close, yet close enough to always kept in touch. A nice bond. It did not end well. For a number of reasons, BUT one thing for sure was that word--"BUT". Every time I engaged with her it left me feeling deflated, suppressed, and invalid. Why? I didn't get it. Yet I felt it since day one. I reflected on this after every session, replaying the situation. Asking myself what is it that's making me feel like this? It was really annoying and eating at me. Horrible feeling. Then finally I figured it out. Well, at least one contributing factor.

Every time we engaged she would negate me. On every single topic, subject, situation. E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G! I'd say something and she would always say, "BUT!" I was exhausting. I'm not going to sit here and psychoanalyse, BUT the thing I know for sure is that the word "but" completely killed the relationship. It is a destructive word. It is negative. It's not fun to be around someone who doesn't want to play along and build something together. Create. Laugh. It's just not pleasant.

In improv, it's the "yes, and" that gets the laugh. It heightens the scene. It builds funny situations, trampolining from one creative statement to the next. "But" is used, however, in rare and particular situations. And it could get the laugh, albeit for different reasons. The pros use it when they want to mess with their friend on stage. It's funny. You laugh because you know the rules. You see their partner struggle and have to work overtime to save the scene. It's mean and ultra challanging. So it's funny to see the genious pros creatively get out of it.

I guess I'm not an improv pro. I couldn't turn the scene around. I tried. It's difficult to build something positively constructive when someone doesn't know the rules. "Yes", that was the situation, "and" I am on to newer pastures. Green. With water. And sunshine. And positive, fun loving people. "Yes", that's where I'm going, "and" are you coming with me?